Colour status: turquoise eye shadow, orange nails with glitter red stripe and glitter blue blob, green and yellow glass necklace, purple top.
It has turned bitterly cold again. I piled on the layers and wondered if I would ever get warm walking across town through the back streets to work. But after ten minutes of stomping I started the slow striptease …da-da daah off come the gloves… da-da daah off come the leg-warmers that I wear on my arms …de-da daah … hm, maybe I’ll keep my socks on …
I saw the sickle moon hanging over the hill, both reflected in the river, and a yellow star. I love early mornings.
On Thursday I am meeting with my agency boss to talk to her about how I’m feeling about a certain colleague in Germany. This colleague has been abusive to me in the past (he would never speak to me like this if I was a man!). Even though he is all the way over in Germany his callous disregard and aggressive language leave me a gibbering wreck. At 35 years old I sit in front of my computer and cry with my hands shaking because I feel powerless in the face of yet another aggressive and bullying man. Last time I complained to his boss directly in Germany. This time I haven’t complained, but will be making an unofficial statement of “not being very happy” about his attitude. This was partly the impetus behind me wanting to jack in my work last week; I just didn’t want to have to put up with the stress and fear of upsetting this control freak of a man. I am merely a function for him, a translating machine. Usually I operate flawlessly, occasionally there is a glitsch in the machinery. And just as we may curse at and wallop our computers when they misbehave, so he does the same with me verbally … except I don’t even have to misbehave.
Bullies seems to be able to smell the passive and vulnerable. And we passive creatures are somehow always pulled into the orbit of the fiery comet of someone else’s insecurities. Unhelpfully I was told be someone, “Change. Just be different. DON’T be insecure. GET self-esteem.” Obviously the person who said this knew squat and had zilch empathy. And frankly if I did change, if I was confident, if I did have self-esteem I probably wouldn’t put up with these dismissive comments. If the worm turned, this person wouldn’t be first in line cheering my transformation. Ironic, and yet typical.
So, I want to get on with my work. The sooner it is done, the sooner I can return to my embroidery. I have started hand embellishing the foreground – it’s a lot of work and I want to make good headway before Friday’s college class.
©Tattooed Witch 2010

